Tag Archives: psychology

There Is No Mountaintop

5 Jan

A few weeks ago I had an epiphany while walking the dog (during what I call Border Collie Therapy). Yes, a real epiphany. A sudden, intuitive insight into the reality of something.

See, I´ve always had this feeling that I am underway towards some place I´m supposed to reach. There´s a mountaintop in the distance, which I need to get to. And the longer I´m traveling, the further that summit seems to be. Sometimes I become desperate, thinking I will never reach it; sometimes I try to ignore it, but that´s practically impossible, because reaching that mountaintop stands for proving myself. Proving myself worthy -of love, of life. Once I´ve reached it I will finally be able to rest assured that I truly am a worthy person, because the proof will be in the fact that I have reached that goal.

Unfortunately, the contours of that mountain are rather blurry -it is not quite clear what the goal exactly is. It has something to do with success, achievement, making a mark. But how much success? And in what field? Because it´s not like I´ve been leading an unsuccessful life so far. Many undertakings didn´t work out, but I´ve done enough things I can be proud of. Yet whatever the view from where I´m standing, there is always a higher place to be reached.

So now to that sudden insight I had a few weeks ago. There I was, walking in the fields, and all of a sudden these four words came to my mind: there is no mountaintop. I saw it as clearly as if a veil had been lifted. There is no Mountain of Eternal Affirmation. If I ever saw anything in the distance, it was a fata morgana. I cannot reach that place, simply because it is not there. I am walking on a plane, and there might be slopes here and there, but there are definitely no mountains. There´s no place to reach from which I can show myself, because I am already there. This is who I am and this is all I´ll ever be, no matter what goals I do or do not reach in the time that I have left in this life.

I must say that I can still see that mountain. It might take some time for my mind to let go of an illusion it has been using as a landmark for so long. But I´m adjusting, little by little, so that one day I can simply sit down wherever it is I´m standing and enjoy the feeling of having nowhere to go because I´m already there.

 

 

 

Redemption

30 Sep

We all have bad habits. All of us. And I´m not talking about the guilty pleasures, the smoking or the binge-watching, I´m talking about the ones we are unaware of. That´s the worst part of it. That we don´t realise about them. Because they are right there, in our blind spot. We cross other people´s boundaries but we don´t see it. We talk too much, but we don´t hear it. We brag, annoy, irritate, neglect, manipulate or harm, all without recognising that this is what we are actually doing. And when we do become aware of these bad habits (because we´ve crossed one line too many, because someone bluntly tells us, or because we find ourselves in a situation where it simply cannot be denied), then this bad habit explodes in our face and hurts us to the core. Then we can either run from it and shout: this is not me, this is not what it looks like AT ALL, I have NOTHING to do with this. Or we can let that feeling of repulsion wash over us and serve as our catharsis. We can say: yes, this is me, but I´ll do better from now on. I have made this mistake, and I accept it. I accept myself. I am, after all, a human being. I will learn from it instead of hate myself for it. And now I will move on.