There Is No Mountaintop

5 Jan

A few weeks ago I had an epiphany while walking the dog (during what I call Border Collie Therapy). Yes, a real epiphany. A sudden, intuitive insight into the reality of something.

See, I´ve always had this feeling that I am underway towards some place I´m supposed to reach. There´s a mountaintop in the distance, which I need to get to. And the longer I´m traveling, the further that summit seems to be. Sometimes I become desperate, thinking I will never reach it; sometimes I try to ignore it, but that´s practically impossible, because reaching that mountaintop stands for proving myself. Proving myself worthy -of love, of life. Once I´ve reached it I will finally be able to rest assured that I truly am a worthy person, because the proof will be in the fact that I have reached that goal.

Unfortunately, the contours of that mountain are rather blurry -it is not quite clear what the goal exactly is. It has something to do with success, achievement, making a mark. But how much success? And in what field? Because it´s not like I´ve been leading an unsuccessful life so far. Many undertakings didn´t work out, but I´ve done enough things I can be proud of. Yet whatever the view from where I´m standing, there is always a higher place to be reached.

So now to that sudden insight I had a few weeks ago. There I was, walking in the fields, and all of a sudden these four words came to my mind: there is no mountaintop. I saw it as clearly as if a veil had been lifted. There is no Mountain of Eternal Affirmation. If I ever saw anything in the distance, it was a fata morgana. I cannot reach that place, simply because it is not there. I am walking on a plane, and there might be slopes here and there, but there are definitely no mountains. There´s no place to reach from which I can show myself, because I am already there. This is who I am and this is all I´ll ever be, no matter what goals I do or do not reach in the time that I have left in this life.

I must say that I can still see that mountain. It might take some time for my mind to let go of an illusion it has been using as a landmark for so long. But I´m adjusting, little by little, so that one day I can simply sit down wherever it is I´m standing and enjoy the feeling of having nowhere to go because I´m already there.

 

 

 

3 Responses to “There Is No Mountaintop”

  1. Myriam Dings January 5, 2019 at 13:47 #

    THAT is what I call WISDOM 🙂

  2. canxatard January 5, 2019 at 15:59 #

    Zo herkenbaar en zo mooi verwoord. Doet me ook denken aan ‘Waar je ook gaat, daar ben je’ van Jon Kabat-Zinn. Helaas ben ik het ook nog niet afgeleerd om in de verte te kijken en naar die top te reiken, maar zoals je zegt, beetje bij beetje geraken we uiteindelijk waar we al zijn. Dank je wel om mij daaraan te herinneren.

    • Kathleen January 6, 2019 at 18:46 #

      Waar we ook naartoe gaan , we zijn alleszins niet alleen op pad. Dat helpt mij dan weer 🙂

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