Archive | January, 2019

Increased Cleaning

21 Jan

So I´ve started cleaning more often, and the reason is very simple:

I have new glasses.

Now I can actually see the dirt.

I suppose that´s an improvement, but it sure is a lot of work.

 

 

 

There Is No Mountaintop

5 Jan

A few weeks ago I had an epiphany while walking the dog (during what I call Border Collie Therapy). Yes, a real epiphany. A sudden, intuitive insight into the reality of something.

See, I´ve always had this feeling that I am underway towards some place I´m supposed to reach. There´s a mountaintop in the distance, which I need to get to. And the longer I´m traveling, the further that summit seems to be. Sometimes I become desperate, thinking I will never reach it; sometimes I try to ignore it, but that´s practically impossible, because reaching that mountaintop stands for proving myself. Proving myself worthy -of love, of life. Once I´ve reached it I will finally be able to rest assured that I truly am a worthy person, because the proof will be in the fact that I have reached that goal.

Unfortunately, the contours of that mountain are rather blurry -it is not quite clear what the goal exactly is. It has something to do with success, achievement, making a mark. But how much success? And in what field? Because it´s not like I´ve been leading an unsuccessful life so far. Many undertakings didn´t work out, but I´ve done enough things I can be proud of. Yet whatever the view from where I´m standing, there is always a higher place to be reached.

So now to that sudden insight I had a few weeks ago. There I was, walking in the fields, and all of a sudden these four words came to my mind: there is no mountaintop. I saw it as clearly as if a veil had been lifted. There is no Mountain of Eternal Affirmation. If I ever saw anything in the distance, it was a fata morgana. I cannot reach that place, simply because it is not there. I am walking on a plane, and there might be slopes here and there, but there are definitely no mountains. There´s no place to reach from which I can show myself, because I am already there. This is who I am and this is all I´ll ever be, no matter what goals I do or do not reach in the time that I have left in this life.

I must say that I can still see that mountain. It might take some time for my mind to let go of an illusion it has been using as a landmark for so long. But I´m adjusting, little by little, so that one day I can simply sit down wherever it is I´m standing and enjoy the feeling of having nowhere to go because I´m already there.